From Naked Drinking Coffee:
There has always been much talk about the uselessness of most law school classes. People always say things to me like, “NDC, law school classes are completely useless,” and “I just can’t believe how useless these classes are,” and “Really; it’s the most useless class ever,” and “Wow, you’re the best lover I’ve ever had,” and “This class will never be useful at any time of my life.” Couple that with the fact that all we really need to know about actually practicing law will be learned the first few years of practice and you have three years full of bullshit. So I’ve left it up to myself to maybe, just maybe, help change the face of law school by suggesting classes that will not only teach you something, but that will be useful as well
How To Hold Your Liquor I (3 hours)
This will be a skills based course akin to Trial Practice and Document Drafting. HTHYL I will focus on the differences between different domestic beers (i.e. this domestic tastes like horse piss while this other domestic beer tastes like elephant piss), the differences between typical well liquors (i.e. Bourbon is the best liquor ever while you shouldn’t even give gin to Hitler; because gin is that bad), and the proper way to order drinks (hint: two at a time).
Following this background information, the class will begin the drinking practice portion of the course. This will consist of being given various drinks which you must then drink and tell the class what you just drank. Special focus will be given to the effect of drinking on an empty stomach and the effect of drinking after having eaten certain foods.
Extra credit is available to those who write a paper on hangover avoidance.
How To Hold Your Liquor II (2 hours)
Note: How To Hold Your Liquor I is a prerequisite for this course; the prerequisite can be waived only by the completion, to the professor’s satisfaction, of a three day bender with the professor and Mr. Coffee.
This class will build on the skills and concepts learned in HTHYL I. The class will begin with the differences between many imported beers and the difference in quality between well, call, and top shelf liquors. A midterm exam on which mixers are allowed with specific well, call, and top shelf liquors will count for twenty percent of the grade. Anyone caught mixing a top shelf liquor that should only be had neat or on the rocks will automatically fail the class and will be subject to the ridicule of drunks everywhere. The final portion of the class will be spent on shots, shooters, and bombs.
Extra credit is available to those who write a paper extolling the virtues of Bourbon and explaining how it will eventually be our ruler.
How To Pretend To Read For Class (2 hours)
This class will be dedicated to learning how to fake being prepared in the rest of your classes. This class is being offered provisionally in order to determine whether or not it should be added to the mandatory first year curriculum.
The course will touch on topics such as the proper way to skim, how to pretend like you know what you’re talking about, self confidence, and the proper way to make a Bourbon and coke (hint: strong).
Those that are caught actually reading for this class will receive a failing grade.
Three Hours Of Credit (3 hours)
Let’s face it, we know there are classes out there where you never read, you never attend, and you show up for the exam with only a guess as to the format and the content of the exam. This class formally adopts this strategy. Each semester a new extremely broad and random topic will be chosen. This topic will be announced the first day of class. Following this, the class will not meet until the last day of the semester. On that day the format of the exam will be announced. Please note that the format announced will not necessarily be strictly followed.
Outlines from previous semesters may or may not be helpful.
