I don’t feel good about the fact that my husband couldn’t have a “normal” PARENTAL relationship with his ex. This would be ideal for the child…but it is impossible in this situation. The mother has herself to blame for this, fully and completely. We extended ourselves and she harassed, terrorized and stalked us for years in return. My ex-husband and I have an ideal parental relationship. Primarily because we have “healthy boundaries” established and we do not cross them. He is re-married as well, and his wife and I get along very well, because I respect them and they respect me. We don’t have alot of communication…which we ALL love…and so when my ex-husband, his wife, and myself do communicate about my daughter, the communication is extremely good. My daughter talks to her father every single day and goes to visit him frequently (he lives out of town). My ex-husband’s wife is very kind to me because I respect them and their marriage. We don’t talk but a couple a times a year (his wife and myself) but when we do…we can stay on the phone for over an hour…laughing and catching up. If I suddenly started to “pretend” like I was still married to my ex-husband and began calling him constantly, disrespecting her and living in a delusional world…there would be a problem quickly. So, my husband has the very worse situation I have ever seen where a child and an obsessive ex-spouse is involved and my ex-husband and I have one of the best. It’s kind of funny but I guess this provides a glimpes of “normalcy” in parenting that keeps my husband and I grounded. Clear and healthy boundaries are essential for respectful relationships..be them parental or otherwise. Both parents must accept and adhere to the boundaries for it to work best for the child. I extended myself to my ex-husband’s spouse for tow reasons…1) I knew she would be active in my daughter’s life. When my daughter stays with her father, his wife cooks for her and takes care of her just as much as her father does – the wife lives there! Why on earth a mother would want to make an “enemy” out of a woman who has that much control over their child I don’t know. It makes absolutely no sense. 2) I was no longer a part of his life…my daughter is, not me…his wife and his daughter (who happens to be mine as well) is his family.

My husband will never have this type of normal parental relationship with his ex…he doesn’t want it at all now that she has harassed him for 10 years and neither do I. She destroyed this…no one else but her.

I think alot of men have been fighting with bitter lonely mothers who refuses to let go and live their lives….move on. These bitter women put themselves and their desires above their child and then try to control the man this way. Bottom-line, men don’t like to be controlled…especially by a woman they don’t want.

I have hope that the mother will stop it, but she hasn’t in ten years. It’s not going to be my problem anymore though. It is no longer my burden to bear (the biiter woman that is). After 10 years of being divorced, any reasonable person would have moved on. Regardless, it will no longer be my problem. The drama has solidified our marriage though…we are more determined than ever to make sure this evil doesn’t destroy us. His relationship with his child matters, but believe me….so does our marriage…our vows matter too. I do love the child…she is innocent. The child and I really have a good relationship….but the turmoil her mother has put us in has really taken a toil. It is hard, and I work all the time…to separate the two. My husband is a good man and a GREAT FATHER…but he is HUMAN. There is truly just so much anyone can take.

African-Americans needs to start valuing MARRIAGE again, like our grandparents did. Haing a baby with someone, isn’t marriage and entitles you to nothing but a “CS check”. That’s it.

A Judge recently granted that my husband can pick up his child from school on Friday and bring her back to school on Monday mornings…thereby eliminating the psycho-ex altogether. If we see her, we can call the police. My husband said that is exactly what we will do. The ex has been jailed for felony aggravated stalking of us in 2006, so she has a history of it and a police wouldn’t hesitate to act on behalf of our safety.

We will have separate sporting events and activities for his daughter. Our desire is to not have to lay eyes on this woman who has violated us repeatedly until graduation day (high school) that is. There’s a beauty in this type of peace that can not be put into words. So now, the ex-wife is not in the picture per The Judge!!!! hahahahahah! This “package deal”…that really official ended TEN YEARS AGO when my husband divorced her….is REALLY officially OVER now. hahahahahahaha!

I think you misunderstood me again. The package is the spouse and their child, including all the good and bad that goes along with that, which could include the child’s other parent with whom you have to coordinate the child’s needs and upbringing. If there was no child, then the divorce would have eliminated any need or reason to deal with the other person at all. Sweetheart, that has absolutely nothing to do with a harem. That has to do with a child needing their two parents, or at least one parent acting adult enough to help them have as normal a childhood as possible.

However, if I were in a similar situation and had a manipulating ex-husband using my child as a pawn, there’s no way in hell that I would allow him and his crazy behavior to make me give up my relationship with my child. Likewise, I wouldn’t allow my mother, brother, new husband or anyone else to make me stop seeing and taking time with my child. I don’t give a d _ _n what they did or what my ex did. That just wouldn’t happen, cause I would find some kind of way to make sure I maintained my relationship with my child. That’s my responsibility as a parent and no one else’s. I would hope and expect that my new husband would be supportive of my efforts to maintain my parental responsibility regardless of the stupidity of my ex.

I realize that as a mother, I might see it differently that some father’s do, but I really believe that grown folks ought to act like grown folks when it comes to the welfare of the children they bring into this world. You see, I’m a child advocate and I really don’t rat’s you know what about how the adults in the scenerio feel; their pride, egos, anger, embarrassment, hurt feelings, pocketbooks, etc. Cause when you take the steps to become a parent, it ceases to be about you and your feelings of comfort, and now is about raising an innocent child who didn’t ask to be here with all your drama.

While you say that it’s not your responsibility, my dear Mikki, you accepted some responsibility for that child when you accepted his proposal for marriage. When you said, “I do”, knowing he was a father, you also said I do to becoming a step-mother to his child. I’m sorry, but you can’t love him completely, without loving his child too, since she is an extension of him. Think of this in the reverse. Suppose you had a child, whom you love and was going through a similar situation with an ex, I’m sure you would want your husband to show his love for you by helping you continue your relationship with your child. We may see things differently, but I wouldn’t want a spouse that wouldn’t help me fight for my child(ren), by all means necessary. To be honest with you, I would lose love for my husband if he didn’t show love for my child by helping me maintain a close relationship with him/her.

In any case Mikki, you and your husband will have to make the decision about how you will continue to handle this situation. It really no longer has to do with his ex-wife or his mother anymore. It’s really about what kind of MAN and FATHER he is and is going to be to his daughter, his first and foremost responsibility, even before you. He needs to man up and not let his daughter continue to suffer his absence. Neither he nor you have any control over his ex-wife or his mother, but you can have control over your own behavior and your own attitudes. Remember, mimicry is the best form of flattery. It’s not something that you have to get angry about.

I will definitely pray for you both and particularly for his child. I know that he and you have had great turmoil and grief over this situation, but I also know that his daughter has suffered unnecessarily in this mess too. Whether it’s because of the actions of her mother, grandmother, the courts, the schools, the neighbors or whatever you consider to be toxic, he doesn’t really have the luxury of giving up on his child. She’s not toxic and she is his child and his responsibility. And not just financially.

I know I’m quite a bit older than you and I can guarantee you that I’ve been through a lot of stuff in my life. I can tell from what you’ve written each time that you are really a caring person who is concerned about your husband and his child. I can tell you want to do what is right and would like to do it without his ex-wife being in the picture at all. That’s the biggest problem with those package deals. It’s like having 6 toes…. you have to learn to live with it. lol

I appreciate your advice…but I will not take on the task of stopping the drama. Some people crave drama. I do not. My husband and I have decided to estrange ourselves from the toxic drama. I agree. Someone has to care for this child, but why should it be me? The mother doesn’t care enough for her own child not to continue to use her as a pawn. Why is this my responsibility? I love the child but I love myself more and my husband. We will not continue to be victimized, sacrificials lambs for some bitter woman who my husband was married to briefly and then divorced.

Really, until the mother starts putting her own child ahead of her own selfish agenda, this child will suffer. It is up to the mother to stop her selfish, sick behavior. She must learn to move on and start putting her own child 1st. I will not take on this task. It is not my responsiblity….and I decided after the last offense…it is no longer my cross to bear.

A woman is only a “package deal” with the child when she is MARRIED to the man – NOT DIVORCED (hah!) Small Particular. When two people are divorced one parent doesn’t owe the other parent anything – they only owe the child.

Ladyd – Some of your thoughts only apply in a harem situation – but not in the U.S. where harems are not legal. Why would I be jealous of the ex-wife…she has NOTHING but bitterness, and is OBSESSED with my self and my husband’s relationship. Many acknowledge her sick patheticness.

I have a daughter by my 1st husband and I never used her as a pawn against her father nor “wagered” her for attention that is never received. The lesson for women is to know that if a man doesn’t want you without his child he won’t want you just because you have his child. The two are separate. A man has a right to love and nurture his child without the scorned parents issues clouding it.

In the end, we will still be happily married…and she will still be bitter and spinning her wheels. She has done this for the 1st ten years of her child’s life and she only has eight more years to use this child (until 18). The bitter mother is no further now, than she was 10 years ago. My husband loathes her and loves his child.

When people don’t move on and attempt to alter another’s will this does create anger you are right. The anger I feel about the obsessed mother attempting to stay in my life is not even a tenth of what this wacko feels about me and her jealousy of me is really enormous….She even changes her appearance when I change mine…scary and of course psychotic. If I change my hair coloring, the sociopath will change hers.

The child is a girl and I couldn’t care less what kind of relationship she has with my husband’s evil mother – That is her grandmother and is none of my business. I only step in when it involves me and my choices, my husband and our family. When his mother meddles in our family, it is now my business.

We still don’t talk to his toxic mother and probably never will. She had countless opportunities to change and never could. Some people are so toxic that your life is much better without them…just because they are a blood relative doesn’t mean they have your best interest at heart, nor does it make you obligated to welcome them and their drama into your life. The door will remain shut, and we are both at peace with than. I speak for my husband too. Husband and wives are one.

One thing I’d like to say here that I want everyone who is in this kind of situation or thinking about marrying someone who has children (male or female), to understand that it is a package deal. And usually, that includes the children’s other parent, at least until that child is 18 and oftentimes longer. So the best thing is to figure out how to get along and don’t become jealous or insecure about the other woman or man. Also, don’t let that ex cause your relationship with family members to dwindle. You might win in the short term, but will lose in the long term, because blood is always thicker than water. Never underestimate the bond between a mother and her son.

Mikki, I wanted to ask you if you have any children? I ask that, because it sounds as though you don’t understand how you mother in law feels about her grandson. I will be honest with you, I gritted my teeth a lot of times when dealing with my grandson’s mother in order to keep the peace and to make sure that he has some symblance of a family without drama. A child does not deserve to grow up in a whole lot of drama, I don’t care who starts it. Someone has to be adult enough to stop it without alienating the child from either parent or from other family members. That person might have to be you. You may need to be the bigger person and stop the drama between you husband and ex by calling a truce and not letting her get the best of either of you. But in the absence of that, he should file a complaint and press charges for false arrest. I’m sure he has all of his documentation about his child support payments.

One other thing I’d like to say to you Mikki. Your tone of voice says that you are really stressed out about this whole situation and that it’s really getting at you. I’d suggest you and your husband seek some counseling so that the two of you can deal with it with a level head and in a way that allows him to continue a relationship with his child, without having to contend with the ex in anger. In otherwords, take control of your own feelings and behavior and don’t let her control your feelings and behavior. Also, if I were you, I would leave his mother out of this. She is going to stay in her grandson’s life no matter how it makes you or her son feel. In the long run, I will bet he will begin to appreciate the fact that she has.

Again, good luck to all of you and I hope you will begin to smile and relax and get rid of your own anger so it doesn’t eat you up inside.

I agree with you about the Wilie Gary child support amount. However, I think what would be reasonable (although the Courts are not) is that he pay the mother the $3,500 so that the child are living decently for now and then put $50,000 per week in a Trust Fund for the children to be accessed by them ONLY upon legal age.- That’s if he really makes $250,000 per week. This way the mother cannot use all of the children’smoney on herslf. She has already proven that it is “all about her” which is often the case. Why should she be able to use this money on herself. The Courts should set up a Trust Fund and Gary should have to put in money weekly or an annual “lump sum” for the children and the children ONLY. This opportunistic woman should get a job and work for a living and stop benefiting for her children’s DNA.