From Mike:
We have been getting lots of requests lately from anxious 1Ls-to-be, asking for advice on a variety of topics, from “how close should I live to school” to “what is the best method to highlight my casebooks”. My advice to them is not nearly as narrow as their questions. Simply put, I tell them not to go. Sadly, these folks don’t realize that if they are asking me for law school advice, things probably aren’t going to work out quite like they hope. But if they refuse to listen to me, and insist on starting school in the fall, I will dispense one crucial piece of advice: Don’t be a douchebag. Here’s how:
1. Don’t ask random bloggers about how to highlight your casebooks.
2. Don’t be the person at orientation talking about how you have already done the reading for the first day.
3. Actually, don’t read for the first day of class before orientation starts.
4. Don’t make a color coded graph of when you are going to study and for what. And if you do, please, don’t share it with other people. (Seriously, I actually was subjected to a detailed explanation of someone’s study plan at orientation.)
5. The following words should never leave your mouth: “I pulled an all-nighter at the library”; “I started outlining after the first week”; “I started outlining after the first month”; “I started outlining before Thanksgiving Break”; “My outline is longer than yours.”
6. Don’t announce your intentions to be on Law Review, even if it’s the one goal that would make your life complete.
7. And don’t “coincidently” buddy up to 2Ls on Law Review either. Your intentions couldn’t be more obvious if you sent them a dozen roses and a pair of your underwear.
8. Don’t go introduce yourself to your professors. They don’t care who you are, nor should you want them to know who you are.
9. Don’t wear work clothes to school unless you either just came from work or are going directly to work. No one is impressed.
10. Unless you have had major surgery on your back, do not buy a rolling book suitcase thing. If you can’t carry your books on your back, hit the gym.
11. Don’t have a douchebaggy name like Jordon, Jacob, Moiz, Kyle, or Ethan. Seriously consider a name change.
12. Don’t email us and announce your intentions to start a blog and become our successors. If we had a dollar for every time someone did this, we’d have enough to buy one of each item on the McDonald’s Extra Value menu.
13. Don’t brag about having lunch with your professor.
14. In fact, don’t have lunch with professors.
15. Don’t raise your hand and arrogantly give the professor an answer. You came here to learn the law, don’t act like you already know it.
16. Don’t wear your fraternity shirts to law school. I don’t care how great your Kappa Sigma Fall 2004 Annual Moonlight Semiformal Barn Dance was; now you just look like a tool.
17. Do not refer to books like One L, or Law School Confidential for guidance. Even if you have read these books, never ever, when a situation arises, say “Well, in One L, Turow says…”
18. Do not, under any circumstances, raise your hand when there are five minutes or fewer left in class. And if someone who routinely does this should happen to get struck by a car, his classmates cannot be blamed if they don’t rush to his aid.
19. BarBri will try to get you to reserve your seat as a 1L. Keep walking. It’s probably a good idea to make sure you can pass first year classes before you start worrying about the bar exam.
20. Finally, don’t be the person that schleps the Westlaw water bottles the size of a big gulp around all the time, and causes a huge backup at the water fountain because it takes seven minutes to fill. Just because it’s free doesn’t mean you have to use it. Save a shred of dignity.
