Law School Humor: Unemployed 3L Law Student Consolation
We at Career Services would like to send out consolations to all the 3Ls who remain uncommitted to an employer at this stage of the semester.
We would like to remind you that the Juneau Alaska Public Defender’s office still has an opening this fall. This is a fantastic opportunity, people! The pay may be modest, but after a few years you’ll be experienced enough defend moose poaching cases privately.
While it is disheartening that there are more applicants than positions available, you must keep in mind that you have spent the last three years in one of the most rigorous graduate programs available. You can use the skills you learned here in any employment you find, legal or not. For example:
- Lots of legal issues out there remain unresolved. Is the flurry of contracting in today’s business community creating more employees with all the requisite worker’s compensation and OSHA regulations or is it creating Posner’s nimbly efficient labor market? The law doesn’t have to be just theoretical anymore. As a day laborer, you can get hands on experience with this and other legal issues (matriculation in Immigration Law preferred. Se habla, por favor)
- Gentlemen, draw up your own release of custody agreements when you donate your 1400+ SAT score sperm to lesbian couples. Remember, this isn’t the character and fitness bar so feel free to throw a few more inches on your height during the application process. It’s a buyer’s market out there.
- Those latin phrases we taught you won’t go to waste. Your knowledge of root words will keep you sharp. You’ll know right away that when you serve the Venti coffee at Starbucks that “Venti” actually refers to the number of ounces (20) and is not Italian for extra large like Thad, your art school student coworker, says.
Due to the massive increase in as-of-yet-unemployed law students our own Career Services office will be hiring. An Anne Frank-esque attitude of optimism in the face overwhelming hopelessness is required, but you’ll be able to afford more than an attic on a Law School salary. Come join the team! If you can’t be invited to OCI, you can at least schedule it.
[thanks to editor b and russ via cc]
Random Thoughts on Libaries, Internet, Constitution, & WHORE
Admittedly, there’s no official diagnosis to narcolepsy, but I’m suspecting that’s what I have because I find myself dozing off every 5 minutes or so. One moment I would be reading about “suspect classifications” and my next conscious thought was about something else completely unrelated to Con Law. I looked at my notes and somehow, I had jumped all the way to “non-fundamental rights.” Tomorrow is going to be a very long day.
I’m not sure how to keep myself awake. I’ve tried just letting myself fall asleep naturally. I ended up sleeping 12 hours and feeling like I barely slept a wink. I’ve tried taking sleeping aid but that knocked me off for at least 6 hours, which means if I don’t go to sleep early, I wouldn’t be able to wake up in time for the exams.
I’ve often wondered how often I’d fallen asleep in all of my classes. Looking at my notes, it seems that I’ve missed quite a chunk of lecture (esp. con law). So did my non-narcoleptic friends. It seems like our whole class had a black-out everytime we attend con law lecture. Now I need to figure out how to keep myself focused on this long exam.
It’s not that the subject matters aren’t interesting. They are. In terms of substance, I find this semester more invigorating than last semester. The problem lay in the fact that the schedule is too demanding. We simply couldn’t handle extra classes three days in a row at 8am in the morning. There’s only so much my brain could absorb in one day. More than one professor protested the schedule assigned to my section, but the person in charge of Records & Registration was unmoved.
Almost to the end. Almost. I just need to survive through 5 more days.
W.H.O.R.E. Witness Having Other Reasonable Explanation
Usage: Criminal Law
My favorite quote from my crim law professor:
“If I’m going to be labeled a W.H.O.R.E. by working for free or charging a fee, I rather be a high class W.H.O.R.E.”
The Library or Internet Decision
When the internet was first invented, I barely noticed it. When AOL began its mass CD-mailing campaign, I barely winked. When my brother taught me the purpose of internet (e.g. chatting, e-mailing), I finally began to believe that there is some sort of purpose to this technology called “internet.”
A decade after my first brush with the world wide web, I stopped frequenting the local library. The reason? I can look-up all the information on the internet. With the exception of textbooks, the internet has offered interesting articles in place of out-dated paperbacks. Why bother watch one hour of painful local news when I can simply skim and select the type of news that interests me at my own pace during the time of my choice?
The internet revolution has changed the legal world as well. In our research and writing class, instead of learning the library codes, we learn about using online database to look up case law and treatises. In fact, some of us grumbled when the instructor told us that we had to learn the “traditional” method of legal research — going through rows of old books to locate an annotated case from the early 19th century, and so on.
And now, I can’t imagine what I would do without the internet. It’s not only my source of entertainment, but an essential part of my academic and professional life.
The United States Constitution and Governmental Duties to Individuals
It is common perception that the U.S. Constitution is one of the most powerful documents in the world. The U.S. Constitution guarantees certain rights and protects citizens against government abuses.
It comes as a shock that in fact, the Constitution actually says very little about the government’s duties to individuals.
In general, the Constitution prohibits the State from depriving individuals of life, liberty, or property without “due process of law,” but as Chief Justice Rehnquist pointed out, the language of the Constitution does not impose an affirmative obligation on the state to protect individuals from each other.
What power does the federal government have? The broadest powers, as interpreted by the Supreme Court, is the taxing and spending power. When the federal government wants something done, it needs to entice individual states to exercise its powers through financial incentives.
There exists a tension between the desire of wanting the government to stay out of your life, but step in to help you when the time is appropriate. The problem is that no one seems to have a handle on the government.
Another tension is the relationship between the federal government and the state government. The Constitution implicitly grants the state immense power, stating un-enumerated powers (not reserved for federal government) are reserved for the states. Unfortunately, discprencies in state standards for health care and policing make one wonder why is there no national standard?
The Constitution is a flexible framework, but it is a silent document. Is it time to amend the Constitution to make sure it serves the general population and not expose the vulnerable people to political whims?
[thanks to stan.faryna, kaibara87 and shelley's case via cc]
Top 5 Law Student Summer Clerkship Rejection Letters
Almost every law student experiences a healthy dose of rejection when they are searching for a summer job. Since I am not ranked in the top 10% at a top 10 school, nor do I have close family connections to set me up with a nice summer clerkship, finding a job requires a little more effort. In addition to checking the job postings at the Career Services Office (CSO), this means sending out lots of resumes. This, in turn, means that I have received my fair share of rejection letters. But not all rejection letters are the same. Here are a few examples of what I received.
Dear Applicant,
The position which you interviewed for has been filled.
This one is short and sweet and to the point, which I can appreciate. The only problem is that they used an entire piece of company letterhead to send one sentence. If this is their standard rejection letter, they should get company postcards printed up. It would be cheaper.
Dear Applicant,
At this time we are not hiring a law clerk. We will keep your resume on file if our needs change.
Interpretation: We might hire a summer law clerk, if the nephew of our founding partner needs a job. Your resume is in the trash. Thanks for writing.
Dear Applicant,
Thank you for your resume. Your qualifications were very impressive, but at this time, we have no plans to hire a summer clerk. I am fully confident that a person with your qualifications will have no problem finding summer employment. Best of luck.
This is by far my favorite. I received several like this. They build you up as they reject you. This is the equivalent of a girl saying: “You are a great guy who will make some girl very happy. But I’m just not looking for a relationship right now”. Even though you suspect you are being bullshitted, it’s just too nice to get angry with.
Dear Applicant,
Thank you for your interest in the summer clerk position with the University’s Legal Services Office. Unfortunately, you are not one of the applicants chosen for an interview. We felt that your qualifications did not match those of the ideal candidate.
When I first received this, I thought I misread it. It is harsh and vague. I’m not sure what qualifications they were looking for, since my GPA and class rank were well within the parameters specified within the job posting, and they didn’t require any special skills or experience. But this one is nice compared to the worst one I got:
Dear Applicant,
We received your cover letter and resume indicating an interest in a summer clerkship. We regret to inform you that you have not been selected for an interview. Your qualifications did not match up to some of the other applicants, or to the high standards we impose upon our summer clerks. Good luck with the rest of law school.
Interpretation: Who do you think you are? Did you actually think a prestigious law firm like ours would hire someone like you? You and your non-Ivy league law school make me sick. I hate myself and my life, so I’m taking it out on you. Thanks for playing.
[thanks to handslive and barely legal via cc]
